Nobody wants to waste their sick leave on actually being ill. Sick leave is basically extra annual leave — reserved for hangovers and mornings where the world just seems too dreadful a place to venture.
And with three public holidays in the next two weeks, temptation to cheat the system and score a few extra days off is high.
But chucking the perfect sickie is a tricky business, and one that all too often ends in sunburn and disaster (and an official HR warning).
Here are the seven golden rules for enjoying a glorious extra day off without raising suspicions.
TWO DAYS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
It’s more believable to take two days off than one — it feels more substantial and solid; less ad hoc. Wednesday and Thursday are the best combo; struggling in on Friday after two days off is seen as admirable and shows real commitment to work. Taking Mondays or Fridays off alone is massively suspect — especially before or after Grand Final weekends.
PREPARE PROPERLY IN ADVANCE
If you’re taking Wednesday off then start grumbling about your health on Tuesday; perhaps even Monday if you’re at elite level when it comes to sick leave. Borrow Panadol from someone loud and gossipy, preferably in a central PA role that involves communication with multiple people. If he/she says you look pale, then the battle is almost won.
USE SOCIAL MEDIA WISELY
Post “Need an early night” the night before a day off. You don’t actually need to say you feel sick, just hint at lethargy as a segue. And whatever you do, don’t post pictures of you at 2am checked into Scruffy Murphy’s the night before.
CALL REALLY EARLY AND LEAVE A VOICEMAIL
Phone before anyone is at work to answer the phones, and then back that up with an email to say you’ve left a voicemail. Not only does it avoid a conversation, but it adds a slight passive aggressive undertone that nobody was at work early enough to take your call.
CHOOSE AN EMBARRASSING ILLNESS
Gastro is the obvious one. Mention you’ve been up on the loo all night. Nobody’s going to ask: So was it diarrhoea or just normal? Any illness that can create unease for your colleagues is the go.
DO ‘THE VOICE’
Even when you’ve actually just twisted your ankle and it has no effect whatsoever on your vocal abilities, you still have to do the Sick Voice. A barely audible croak like you’ve been vomiting sandpaper all night. Something that makes Darren Lockyer sound like an angel. And remember to answer the phone that way all day. If they ask if they just woke you, say “Yes, but I probably needed to try and get up anyway …”
DON’T GET A TAN
Maybe sneak to the movies if you’re brave, but don’t lay by the pool all day. You’re meant to go back paler and weaker, not looking like you’re just off the plane from Bali.
And of course when you do go back to work and people ask how you feel, the answer is always “Yeah, a bit better, but not 100 per cent”. It’s agreed to be the standard response that allows you to ease back in without too much interrogation.
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