IF Red Sox star Pedro Martinez joins the Yankees next season, the pitching ace is going to need a new image – fast.
George Steinbrenner is said to be salivating over the quirky, hottempered Bostonian – but he must also be gagging over his Jheri-curled mop, fuzzy goatee and baggy uniform.
Could a slob like Pedro possibly fit into the best-looking team in baseball – one that Steinbrenner insists be clean-cut and well-dressed at all times?
“Pedro is one ugly S.O.B.,,” concedes local Sox fan Zachary Thacher. “He has long, nasty hair and a goatee. All of that will have to go if he’s a Yankee.”
Martinez, 33, needs nothing short of a total makeover, says our panel of experts.
For starters, there are Steinbrenner’s hairstyle rules: hair short, face clean.
“I like men that look like men,” says Kyle White, a hairstylist and colorist at Oscar Blandi. “I would give him a short, masculine haircut – or even shave it.”
His oil supply will also be cut off. “Greasy hair is never good,” White says. “You don’t want to run your fingers through that.”
The hairstylist – who says he doesn’t have a problem with Martinez’s facial hair – would pare down the styling products to just one, or maybe none.
“I don’t think he would need much of anything,” he says. “Just maybe a little pomade.”
On the field, Martinez will have to ditch the pooka beads and two-sizes-too-big uniform.
Off-duty, he’ll have to compete with impeccably dressed teammates like Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, the latter of whom made last year’s Best Dressed list in Esquire.
“You can be a slob in Boston, but not in New York,” says stylist Wayne Scot Lukas, who advocates a total metrosexual overhaul.
“First, I’d send him to Eighth Avenue, to hit all the gay stores,” says Lukas. “The salespeople will worship him!”
If Martinez really wants to score a hit, adds Lukas, he should try to get a cocktail named after himself as soon as possible.
Stacy Vale, director of personal shopping for Scoop boutiques, says the pitcher should stick to dark colors like black, navy and gray.
“Get great shoes, a great suit. Some Michael Kors trousers. In New York, even when we go casual, we look great.”
Plastic surgeons have their own ideas on how to streamline Pedro’s image.
“He would benefit from liposuction under the jawline,” says Manhattan plastic surgeon Alan Matarasso, who notes that Martinez has a habit of ducking behind his glove when he’s conferencing on the field.
“You can remove the fat from inside the cheeks – it’s called a buccal fat pad. Removing it gives a more angular appearance to the face. Then he wouldn’t have to hide his face with his glove,” says Matarasso.
Details are essential for completing any look – but we’re not sure about Martinez’s favorite accessory: a midget.
Martinez’s diminutive pal Nelson De La Rosa – the third smallest man in the world – is supposedly a good luck charm for the pitcher.
Somehow, that doesn’t seem likely to go with the dapper Yankee image.
“Midgets went out with Kid Rock,” says Lukas. “It’s tired. If you’re gonna have a sidekick, get a dog.”
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Here comes the pitch
Pedro, get in the game! Here’s how he can trade that Beantown blah-blah-blah for The City That Never Sweeps, um, Sleeps.
1) Put a Zimmer-style smackdown on Red Sox manager Terry Francona.
2) Get 55,000 Yankee fans to switch the chant from “Who’s Your Daddy?” to “No hard fee-lings!”
3) Trade in little pal Nelson de la Rosa for big-city babe magnet Verne (“Mini-Me”) Troyer.
4) Choose his own Yankee Stadium theme song – maybe Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.”
5) Become Derek Jeter’s new wingman and charm supermodels over chicken parmigiana at Elio’s.
– Michael Kane
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